Brisbane’s Best: Thickshakes

And on the 7th day, God brought us Whisky Business thickshakes.

About a year ago now, some friends and I began our search for the best thickshakes in Brisbane. It’s been a tough journey – especially for those team members who have disregarded their lactose intolerance to partake- but, twelve months on, I feel we have found the one. If only “the one” had a finger (though some come with chocolate fingers, and alcohol fingers), so that we could take Queen B’s advice and put a ring on it.

Over the past year we’ve developed a criteria to grade each shake on optimum experience.

– Appearance (does it come with added chocolate pieces?)

– The straw test (an advanced scientific test conducted through the use of a straw, to test for optimum thickness. If the straw stands in the middle of the glass with no assistance, the thickness of said thick shake has reached optimum level).

– Price (Uni students… Duh)

– Taste (is it unicorns in a cup or a 10am lecture on a Wednesday)

– Selection of flavours

It’s been a long uphill battle – which, quite frankly, isn’t too great with a stomach full of milk and ice cream – and maybe those gym passes should have been used more than for show on our car keys, but wow has it been delicious.

Today, I feel like we have reached the volcanic fires of Mt Doom (aka the end of the journey, come on just watch the Lord of the Rings). While the past six months have seen us attempt (and fail) to beat the shakes of Woolloongabba’s ‘Pearl Cafe,’ I feel like we have finally succeeded. While coming in second, Pearl Café’s shakes just didn’t stand a chance against the jar of magic we experienced this morning.

Coming to you from Capalaba (Cleveland way), Whisky Business boasts 20 unique and fun shake flavours, in which overloading of toppings is encouraged. While the slanted edge of the (frankly too big and wide – think bubble tea) straws, almost cost them the straw test all together, the three full seconds of slurping before shake touched lips, more than made up for the owner’s poor taste in straws. While it wasn’t a full out-of-body experience, in which our lives flashed through our eyes as we realised in this moment we could die happy, all three of us extending our hands to the sky in praise, with added mmmm’s and groans as we took the first slurp.

Today, I was brought closer to God by one slurp of a thickshake. And then of course the subsequent slurps as we passed each of our shakes around the table for optimum taste testing. It’s not often a Tim Tam or Nutella thickshake tastes like actual Tim Tams or Nutella, and I commend them.

If you still doubt God’s hand in these thickshakes, try one for yourself for under $8 (some range up to 15.60, absolutely ludicrous).

If you can’t find me, I’ll be out back of Whisky Business in a pool of crunchie-flavoured thickshake.

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Apologies to my thighs and bank account who have faced the brunt of this journey. I hope one day you forgive me.

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