When I think about going to the gym I think of loud pop songs, sweat soaked hair, and grunts as people push themselves past their limits. Thus, why yoga has never been on my radar. To be honest, I thought it was a bit of a lol, and wow wasn’t this cynical 19-year-old wrong.
Here’s a quick synopsis of how my first class went:
Class length: 1 hour
Amount of time spent ‘meditating’ (aka sleeping): 18 minutes
Number of poses: 20
Number of times I asked, “What the fuck (are they doing)?,”: 17
Times I fell on my butt: 3
Far from “lol-status” it was encouraging and fulfilling, something I would have never been caught saying before, but it’s true. So with one yoga class under my size L belt, here are 10 helpful tips to enrich your yoga experience.
- Yoga is hard. So is a bodypump class, but yoga is harder. Don’t walk in there with your smelly feet thinking it’s a lol. It’s not, and those old ladies will kick your butt.
- For the health and safety of all participators, please participate in pre-yoga-farting. No one wants a stinky yoga room.
- Black underwear under yoga pants is essential and inexcusable.
- Never take your mother, she’ll spend the whole time huffing in annoyance and subsequently ruining your zen.
- Tread carefully with child’s pose. It may seem all fun and games until you’re stuck there for ’20 breaths’ and eventually go numb. To be fair I may be doing this pose wrong…
- Laughing is not encouraged; these people take their yoga very seriously. I was the subject of many ‘old lady death glares’ – something I wouldn’t recommend.
- Justin Bieber is apparently yoga music appropriate – maybe don’t laugh at this now that you’ve been pre-warned.
- Tight workout tops are key – both your stomach and your boobs will fall out to weird angles. No one wants that.
- 20 minutes of “balancing time” is an actual thing – tread wisely or you definitely will fall on your ass.
- Always face the opposite way to your friends/siblings/ parents whilst participating in yoga. You may end up being asked to lie on your back and spread your legs whilst pulsing and being encouraged to, “breathe loudly and heavily, expose your emotions through your breath.” Not a fun time.
So with these ten (very helpful) tips firmly entrenched in your Lorna Jane tights, may you go forth and yoga on.