This week everyone’s favourite granny-undie–wearing spinster hit the big screen once again to give us Bridget Jones’ Baby (sans the king of chick flick Hugh Grant and his famous voice over – sigh).
While Bridget may now be settled down and ready to take on life (and lots of baby poop), this awkward spinster is still a mess when it comes to the whole – ‘opposite sex is interested in me’ saga. Don’t worry, even I’m surprised at the odd instance that someone likes me – it usually goes tits up though.
So in honour of the queen of awkward herself, here are my 10 most Bridget Jones-esque dating moments.
- “I’ll let you cannulate me.”* A sentence actually sent to me by a male. Yes I had to Google what that meant – a process I was used to within a day of knowing him (the ego bruising of him being smarter really put me off). Yes, he obviously did not yet realise how much I hate bloody and the whole body part thing – neither has my family actually, cue: “Lauren, have you thought about going into nursing?”I don’t know if being a paramedic student makes him seem less weird for saying that… I vote no. And no, I did not end up cannulating him.
- After being dropped home from a date, not only did I go for a cheek kiss while he went for a mouth, but I then slapped his thigh, said, “Thanks darl” and ran for my house. No second date was had.
- Ex-math-tutors best friend… Cue awkward, “Uh…so… How’s your maths…?” FYI, I still suck at maths. And dating apparently. **
- Someone actually asked me out like this: ***
- I once thought I had been stood up, turns out I had done the standing up as he waited outside my house for two hours whilst my phone was on an accidental airplane mode. Solid effort on his part though, I only waited 30 minutes before I proclaimed him an asshole and changed into pyjamas. Again, no second date.
- “Sorry my dad said I can’t date.” Apparently this one doesn’t work quite as well these days…
- OMG AM I BLEEDING? Something that should not happen mid-first-kiss. How were his teeth even that far in my mouth? I sincerely hope he’s worked on that one.
- My favourite date request of 2015 came from a 38-year-old sales person who had a 13-year-old daughter. Apparently selling vacuum cleaners makes me hotter. At least I could have given her my high school assignments?
- The only strip show I’ve ever been to was filled with old hairy men with beer bellies. Thankfully, no willis’ and doodleberries were displayed.
- How to flirt with Lauren: aka why I am single and need to think about freezing my eggs…
Whilst my attempts at dating are quite honestly pathetic and the favourite topic for my friends on wine nights – I still think Bridget takes the cake with the whole “I don’t know who my baby daddy is.” Luckily for her though, neither are ugly, so win win for Bridge, constant state of single for me.
PS. Spoilers are not accepted.
*Just Google it…. * shudders *
** HE HAD ONLY BEEN HOME FROM EUROPE TWO DAYS WHY GOD.
*** No I did not accept. I told him he was pathetic and to try again.