My 10 most Bridget Jones-esque dating moments.

This week everyone’s favourite granny-undie–wearing spinster hit the big screen once again to give us Bridget Jones’ Baby (sans the king of chick flick Hugh Grant and his famous voice over – sigh).

 

While Bridget may now be settled down and ready to take on life (and lots of baby poop), this awkward spinster is still a mess when it comes to the whole – ‘opposite sex is interested in me’ saga. Don’t worry, even I’m surprised at the odd instance that someone likes me – it usually goes tits up though.

 

So in honour of the queen of awkward herself, here are my 10 most Bridget Jones-esque dating moments.

 

  1. “I’ll let you cannulate me.”* A sentence actually sent to me by a male. Yes I had to Google what that meant – a process I was used to within a day of knowing him (the ego bruising of him being smarter really put me off). Yes, he obviously did not yet realise how much I hate bloody and the whole body part thing – neither has my family actually, cue: “Lauren, have you thought about going into nursing?”I don’t know if being a paramedic student makes him seem less weird for saying that… I vote no. And no, I did not end up cannulating him.
  2. After being dropped home from a date, not only did I go for a cheek kiss while he went for a mouth, but I then slapped his thigh, said, “Thanks darl” and ran for my house. No second date was had.
  3. Ex-math-tutors best friend… Cue awkward, “Uh…so… How’s your maths…?” FYI, I still suck at maths. And dating apparently. **
  4.  Someone actually asked me out like this: ***

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  1. I once thought I had been stood up, turns out I had done the standing up as he waited outside my house for two hours whilst my phone was on an accidental airplane mode. Solid effort on his part though, I only waited 30 minutes before I proclaimed him an asshole and changed into pyjamas. Again, no second date.
  2. “Sorry my dad said I can’t date.” Apparently this one doesn’t work quite as well these days…
  3. OMG AM I BLEEDING? Something that should not happen mid-first-kiss. How were his teeth even that far in my mouth? I sincerely hope he’s worked on that one.
  4. My favourite date request of 2015 came from a 38-year-old sales person who had a 13-year-old daughter. Apparently selling vacuum cleaners makes me hotter. At least I could have given her my high school assignments?
  5. The only strip show I’ve ever been to was filled with old hairy men with beer bellies. Thankfully, no willis’ and doodleberries were displayed.
  6. How to flirt with Lauren: aka why I am single and need to think about freezing my eggs…

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Whilst my attempts at dating are quite honestly pathetic and the favourite topic for my friends on wine nights – I still think Bridget takes the cake with the whole “I don’t know who my baby daddy is.” Luckily for her though, neither are ugly, so win win for Bridge, constant state of single for me.

 

PS. Spoilers are not accepted.

 

*Just Google it…. * shudders *

** HE HAD ONLY BEEN HOME FROM EUROPE TWO DAYS WHY GOD.

*** No I did not accept. I told him he was pathetic and to try again.

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To all the boys that have broken my heart

Dear the first,

You were the first boy to make me feel special, to make me ignore all the others. The day you went on holiday I spent $100 on text messages. When my mother went to my phone provider to tell them it was wrong she asked for a list of numbers I had texted that day, yours was the only one. I was smitten in a way only a girl with her first high school romance could be. I remember the day you broke up with me via Facebook message (how 2011), I don’t think I left my bed, and my older brother just laughed. Your Facebook password was still my name, yet you had arranged to go on a date with my friend three days prior.

 

 

Dear the second,

I was weary around my school friends when you came about, even if we were set up by one of them. It was okay though, she hated you three weeks later for something I will never know. I hated the way you dressed, but I loved the way you treated me like the most prized possession you owned. I never met your friends, but you never really met mine either. You turned up at my house in pyjamas, sang high school musical and didn’t find my at–the-time one direction obsession too alarming. I think we were more best friends than anything, but that didn’t mean I didn’t cry myself to sleep when I found out you were also seeing the only other person I’d spoken about you with. Maybe the person who had set us up knew all along, maybe it wasn’t even real, maybe I’d made up our entire relationship in my head.

 

 

Dear the third,

I feel like you should have been the first, considering you’ve known me longer than I’ve known myself. I was too naive and young when the other boys broke my heart to notice that you were doing the same. Sometimes you make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, but in a second you break that down with your words. You make me feel like the ant you crush beneath your shoe as you storm away from me in anger. You make me feel like I’m not good enough, that nothing I ever do is right. I go away, I don’t talk to you for weeks sometimes even months, but you pull me back in. I wish loving you was an addiction I could go to rehab for, but I know they’ll do nothing more than laugh at me, for you can never let go of unconditional love. You make me tear myself apart, wondering why I’ve never been good enough, wondering why I always feel second best, yet I’ll never hate you. It feels like it’s a game for you, like you get some sort of high from it.

 

 

Thank you all for a lot of things though. Thank you for teaching me how to be strong. Teaching me to love myself first, and how to appreciate high school musical properly. Thank you for the firsts, the lasts, and everything in between. But most of all, thank you for (hopefully) loving me.

Finding the Perfect Formal Date

School formal season is fast approaching, and the only topics for discussion I seem to hear is, oh my god what dress are you going to be wearing, oh my god do you have a picture? And, oh my god who is your date and where does he to school, or oh my god he’s graduated, that’s so fetch? And unless I’m wrong and you wear long dresses and take dates to parties – I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been to one- then its definitely formal season.

But if I’m correct and it is formal season (mine own formal is in three months or something crazy like that), then that’s pretty much all you’re going to hear/talk about for a good six months beforehand. Honestly, I think they strategically have my schools formal before treacherous term three so we can actually focus on school work, rather than dress brands and boy’s schools.

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